I imagine we may have a few differences when it comes to what we believe is appropriate communication with our students. For me, the goal is to increase communication and deepen relationships with students rather than increase distance between us and strengthen our negative assumptions about them. Lastly, and most importantly, we want students to love coming to our classes, to feel relaxed and comfortable in our presence, to feel safe enough to ask spontaneous questions, to take risks and to share themselves. But it begins with us. What we say and do matters. Students are not small adults. They need teachers to show them how to relate, attend and manage themselves. It is up to us to help them do this, and it begins with being careful about what we say.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
Too often, I have heard teachers make statements—like the ones that follow—that work against relationship building, promote power struggles and increase dysregulation. Some foster competitiveness or are ‘putdowns’ with a slightly punitive tone as well:
- I know you can try harder.
- Are you really trying your best?
- You sure you really want to do that?
- Why can’t you be more like…?
- Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine. There is no reason for you to…
- That’s not how you do it; let me show you…
- You should be setting a good example.
- I am disappointed in you.
- You can be so stubborn, difficult, hard to deal with.
- You should be helping others, not getting into trouble yourself.
- Good girl! I wish others could be like you.
- Why do you always need more time?
- You need a lot of attention!
- I said it once, I don’t want to have to say it again.
- Why can’t you do what I ask?
- Stop fidgeting. Sit up.
- Why can’t you focus?
- You aren’t trying hard enough.
- You don’t need to know why.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
- Crying won’t help.
- I know you don’t trust others here; but you can trust me. (Implies secrecy, a special relationship and splits staff.)
- Can you stop doing that for me? We have a friendship don’t we? (You are not his or her friend; saying this is disingenuous and splits you with other staff.)
- You did it yesterday, why can’t you do it today?
- That’s not the way we do things here.
- Negative gestures: hands on hips, pursed lips, frown, shaking head, sighing, sarcastic tone, pointing, beckoning with ‘annoyed’ hands and fingers; being secretive, stiff body
WHAT TO SAY
Here are some phrases that I think work better to support positive relationships and encourage the best in students. You probably won’t use these exact words, but they suggest a positive cooperative tone, unconditional regard and the desire to work through something together.
- I know you want to do your best; can you tell me what is not working for you right now?
- You can’t do it that way, but here are two other choices…
- Let’s slow down for a moment and see if we can come up with a different plan.
- I understand why you would worry, cry, be upset; I want to hear what is going on for you and then we will work together to figure out what to do.
- You may feel overwhelmed right now. I think you may have forgotten one of the rules we all created together. Can you tell me which one? (No sarcasm)
- Can you stop for a minute? I see what you are trying to do, but I’d like to show you a way that might work better.
- I’m sorry, I wish you could do__________, but we/you can’t do that right now. We have to do ____________. I will make sure you get a chance later to do what you want. (And then make sure the student gets that chance!)
- Would it help you to focus if you drank some water, moved around for a moment, or stretched your muscles?
- I have confidence in you.
- I would like you to move to this other chair so you can stay focused. Thanks.
- We have been spending lots of time on this lately.
- I am wondering if you are frustrated or just don’t understand something you are afraid to tell me about.
- Please use your inside voice; it might be hard to do when you are angry, but I know that if I remind you for a while, it will get easier.
- I love seeing you put your coat and bag away on your own.
- You seem to need to move around a lot in your chair. Would it help to stand up and walk around for a moment so long as you don’t bother others?
- Would anyone like a short break in the middle of the lesson?
- I like the different way you went about solving math problem #4. You multiplied first rather than second, and it came out just the same! (Praising specific accomplishments)
- I am glad you asked why; you have the right to know the reasons for each task I ask you to do.
- Your feelings are important. What can we do better to help you feel more comfortable doing this task?
- You need to take a time out. It’s okay. It will help you calm down. Then we can talk later.
- What do you need from me that would help you handle this better next time?
- Can you tell me some of the positive things that happened today in school for you?
- Gestures: open, extended arms and hands, smiling, sitting/being at eye level, sitting next to, but giving the student a little personal space as talk with him/her, friendly tone of voice, moving with the student to a space away from others to talk; relaxed shoulders
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